It’s my birthday & I’m thinking about dying

As I enter my 27th orbit around the sun, I can’t help but think of one thing: death. Textbook Scorpio shit. But hear me out. Every astrology sign is represented by a Tarot Card. Scorpio season (Oct 23-Nov 22) is ruled by the Death card. The Death card allegorizes Life as much as it does Death.

This heavy contemplation of death on my day of birth seems ironic at first, but through a mystical lens, it makes a lot of sense. It’s in the cards, it’s in the stars. Fall is the season of change, rebirth & transformation. Even our current democracy as we know it is decaying. Do you feel the revolution? 

Psychedelics have a way of dissolving our fears around death. The way it magnifies truths & widens the view so you can see the bigger picture. Death is the only certainty in life. In that sense, this inevitable fate is always swimming somewhere in my consciousness. 

But right now, the idea of death is making its bed in my head. At the age of 27. I think about the 27 Club. I think about all the drugs I’ve done & wonder how it’s altered my psyche & mental development. I wonder if Jimi Hendrix felt young or if the fast life made his life more full. I think about how you can have all the riches & still want to end your earthly existence. I know cigarettes kill but I still smoke them & I’m not sorry about it. I never liked ‘I love you’ as a salutation, but now that I’m older, I say it & mean it more, especially when I get off the phone with my parents. 

If this is starting to sound morbid, I promise you it’s not. I like to think of life as a dance with death. Perhaps that is why music is so paramount to the human experience. 

Cliches like “life’s too short” carry a different weight these days. A couple months ago, I had a deathly allergic reaction to a superfood hemp beverage. Death by hemp would be a funny way to go, which I can only say after the fact. My face swelled & turned blue. As my throat was closing & catching a full breath seemed impossible, my sister & I looked at each other like this could be the end. It feels dramatic to say, but it was. That impeding doom felt kind of otherworldly. When I made it out the ER, I felt like I had a new lease on life.

Something about the impermanence of life makes you want to be at peace with yourself, the people around you & in every moment. Doesn’t knowing it will all end someday make you cherish every morning? Will your mortality remind you to have the courage to be yourself? Do you dare to dream & challenge the status quo? We all know going back to normal (pre-pandemic, pre-social uprisings) is not an option. This year brought crisis, but it also brought clarity.

Life feels like a beautiful struggle that goes on forever, until it doesn’t. Thankfully my fucked up sense of humor gets me through most things. Take a long inhale. Relax your jaw, release your shoulders. Exhale. Every breath is a blessing. Be grateful you are here.

For my birthday, I wish you all a peace of mind.

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